"How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "No, I'm a frayedĪ neutron walks into a bar. "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender. He comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. Ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. So the string walks into the bathroom and "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the bartender. The bartender looks at them incredulously and exclaims, "What are you, nuts?!? I can't serve you!"Ī string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Two almonds walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind - this is a singles bar." The bartender says, "You guys'd better not start anything in here."Ī five-dollar bill walks into a bar. The bartender, startled, asks, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just taking a look around."Ī hotdog walks into a bar and says, "Hey, bartender, give me a beer." The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. "Ha!" the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon asĪ blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. He sits it down and the octopusįumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. A third guy walks up with a set of bagpipes. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50.Īnother guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in "Hey, buddy, you haven't paidįor the first one! Why should I make you another?" "It's OK, make me a second martini," said the duck, "and just put it on my bill."Ī guy walks into a bar with an octopus. The bartender stares, but mixes the drink, and the duck downs it and orders another. The bartender, puzzled, says, "No, this is a bar, not a hardware store!" The duck then says, "Oh, in that case, I'll haveĪ different duck walks into a bar and orders a martini. The next day theĭuck is back, but this time he asks the bartender if he has any nails. Going to nail your ass to the wall!" The duck chugs the beer, flies out of the bar without paying, again, and leaves a mess, again. Knowing it was the same duck, the bartender says, "If you skip out on the tab again, I'm The very next day, the duck is back, and askes the bartender for another beer. The bartender serves the duck, who chugs it down, flies out the door without paying, and leaves a mess all over the bar. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.Ī three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."Ī termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"Ī duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. The bartender growls, "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says, "That's OK, I just want a drink."Ī baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. The bear holds up his paws, looks at them, and says, "Well, I'm a bear!"Ī chicken walks into a bar. tonic, please?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?" He goes up to the barman and asks, "Can I have a large gin and. The hippo replies, "At these prices, it's no wonder!"Ī goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool, and looks hard at the bartender, who asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?" The fish keeps looking at the guy and gasps:Ī bear walks into a bar. "You know, we don't get very many hippos in here," says the bartender. So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip "That will be $7.50, please," says the bartender. He asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The barman asks, "Well, what does he look like?"Ī hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How tall are penguins?" The bartender replies, "About three feet." "Are you sure there aren't any penguins taller than that?" "Maybeįour feet, tops, but no taller than that." Santa says, "Oh crap, in that case, I just ran over a nun!"Ī penguin walks into a bar. I accept neither credit nor blame for these I merely compile them.
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